taking a stroll thru my mind

before i begin, i wanna say a big "Thank You" to Marie for the positive feedback she's given me. i consider her one of my good friends and i also love her blog. oh and BTW, the song "This Woman's Work" was also recorded by Maxwell also and each time i hear either version i break down and cry.

alrighty then. the title of this post is from a song by The Temptations called "Take A Stroll Thru Your Mind" which is making me see things in a whole different level. i guess i'm done with my "bitch and whine" show, and have calmed down a tad.

i'm trying to compartmentalize (with emphasis on the word mental) all this random shit that's been running amuck within my brain without much luck. maybe it's the nature of my astral sign, Capricorn, that makes me tend to brood over shit that aint even that serious for what seems like days.

i wish i could be like other people who just let their troubles, problems and woes roll off their backs like water on a duck, but i cant. well, maybe not can't but maybe i dont know how. it's like i'm scared to be happy, because i know the happiness will be short-lived or cancelled out by something bad, which will take my being into a state of deep depression.

thinking back, i guess i've always been a moody person, and also a loner. never mixed in well with my classmates and always got teased about damn near everything, from my dour look, for not smiling, and even being plump instead of shapely (altho the types of uniforms we wore did not reveal any kind of shape on us at all, so WTF?) but i digress.

i felt like Stockard Channing's character in her movie "The Girl Most Likely To..." i saw all of her in me, except for the almost-unibrow. i was kinda-sorta smart in school, but as i reached my early-to-mid teens, the awkwardness really came out. my mother was so strict and fanatical about the muslim religion and kept on me about the do's and dont's. i was shy around boys, and the few (and i do mean few) didn't know i was alive, or either thought they could run games on me. i had no self-esteem, and as i said before, i usually preferred being by myself.

i had a few female friends, but after we graduated, we all went our separate ways. some of us kept in touch; some didnt. i really didnt care one way or the other. that's just the way it was.

i'm not going to continue this stroll thru my mind because that's when it gets really painful and ugly. sorry, but that part of me has been sealed off.

the Temps had it right tho..."take a stroll thru your mind....you'll be surprised at what you might find..."

this woman's work

got up early today to go to one of the food pantries in my neighborhood because the cupboards are down to next to nothing, and the first of next month seems so far away. so i got up, washed up, brushed my teeth and put on the lightest and coolest dress i could find and made my way to the church.

as usual, my younger daughter is got her ass on her shoulders and acts like she dont want to be bothered with her son less alone her mama. fine with me. the less we say to each other the better. like i said yesterday when i had that weeping spell, and how hurt deep down inside i was, she dont show no appreciation when it comes to me (the fool) giving her a hand with tending to my grandson. yes, even grandma gets tired and cranky too, but nonetheless i still love that baby and will do whatever i can for him.

being a mother can have its trying moments, but as she will come to understand (soon i hope) this woman's work is hard. my mother (God rest her soul) was there for me with my firstborn thru thick and thin, and stepped in when i was so tired i couldnt stand up. but i appreciated the things my mama did for me, and boy did i appreciate when she'd tell me to go get some fresh air and take a break. i would be nearly flying out of the door. and it felt good to get away for awhile.

yes this woman's work is hard, and sometimes brings with it tears and frustrations, sleepless nights and dragging days, and moments when you wanna scream and pull out all your hair. these things i have tried to tell her, but it's like talking to a brick wall. and she still loves that punk ass who choked her. it's like this fool has her under a spell or some shit. i dont understand these young wimmin these days -- just to have a man, they'll let the fuckers beat on 'em, whore around on 'em, even give 'em diseases that have no cure, and they love the dirty draws these fools wear.

and this fucker hasnt done a damn thing for his son. me, my older daughter, and his mama (she's a wishy-washy heffa too) have gone out of our way to make sure that little guy has what he needs. yet he wants to poke his chest out and brag, "yeah, that's my son!"

UH-HUH. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR HIM LATELY????

this woman's work is never done. maybe one day she'll realize that.

the tracks of my tears

well the tears finally came. in hard, heavy, painful bursts while i was sitting outside on my balcony. i cried. cried til my soul was being wrenched out of me. i cried. i shouted aloud "what do y'all (meaning my family) want from me? to never show emotion, to always be the fucking strong one all the damn time? oh, and if i start crying like this, my older daughter who is a psychology major will say i'm doing it for fucking attention. and why the fuck not?

its like nobody really gives a fuck about how I feel. the things that i do to try to help my other daughter, i dont get a "thank you Mama" or even "here stupid bitch, kiss my ass." nothing.

perhaps maybe i'm the stupid one for trying to be there for her. i go with her to the WIC office to get her WIC coupons and formula for the baby. i wash the baby's clothes, sterilize his bottles AND even make the bottles up with the formula. and, sometimes when she's too tired, i'll keep the baby all night so she can sleep. but what good does it do?

i'm here with this day in and day out, and goddamnit i think i deserve some ME time. i do those things for her out of love for her and my grandson. but, like i said, not a "thank you" or nothing.

like i said, it's like what i do dont mean shit. and i can only blame myself for being taken advantage of.

perhaps i deserve it. i deserve being made to feel like a piece of shit on somebody's shoe. my stupid ass has the nerve to whine about this when i could be like some of these other grandmas who only do enough for their grandkids, and then send them home.

unfortunately, i AM home and aside from doctor appointments, i have no where to go. i'm here EVERY SINGLE DAY with this. yet, my daughter hasnt shed nary a tear or showed any signs of postpartum depression. BUT I HAVE. tell me what's wrong with this picture?

oh well. all i can do is cry.

please excuse me while i lose my mind

once again, i feel this uncontrollable rage building up inside me. i wanna just SCREAM at the top of my lungs.

and yet, at the same time, i wanna just break down and cry. cry like my fucking soul is being ripped outta my chest. i got SO much shit on my mind i cant even think straight. and not to mention REALLY having an intense hatred for summertime. I HATE IT.

i have so many thoughts running amuck in my head and i feel confused by it all. maybe it's the transition of meds; my PDoc took me off Zoloft and put me on Wellbutrin XL. i've been on it a little over a month now and i dont feel shit. if anything, i feel more confused than ever.

also i think the Klonopin i've been taking since 2003 has stopped working for me too. been on Seroquel since 2004, but it still works fairly well when it comes to sleep. it and Trazadone.

oh yeah, Wellbutrin is also supposed to help people quit smoking. yeah. right.


my grandbaby is cranky and irritiable because he's got a slight cold, and he hasnt pooped. been trying to help him calm down, but i know he senses that i'm irritable too, and that only leads to more irritability. he's 4 months old now, and i pray dont none of y'all call the fucking police on me, but the kid is working my nerves. his mama works my damn nerves too with her wishy-washy ways. sometimes i wanna just bitch-slap her little ass, because at times she acts disinterested in her son. i feel like this -- if you didnt want the responsibility, ya shoulda used a condom.

*deep irritable sigh* lemme go see what's troubling the little guy. bye.

angry tears

i just finished crying angry tears. i felt like i was gonna explode if i didnt get them out. i feel somewhat better, but the anger is still lurking and if i cry again, i might wind up in the hospital because i want to seriously hurt somebody.


my grandson's crying and whining isnt helping any at all. mind you i love him with all my heart, but his blood-curdling crying literally sends me over the edge, and dark thoughts start to follow. and i hate those feelings. i shouldnt feel this way, because he's only a baby, and he cant help it.
he's been a colicky kid since he came into the world. and i am ashamed of how i feel about it.


when his mama aint got her ass sitting on her shoulders, the tension in here is so thick i really feel like i'm gonna lose it. like i said earlier, my patience is not like it used to be, and when he starts yowling, i wanna implode my head into the fucking wall.


God help me.

close to the edge

i dont know what i'm feeling but right now it's like i hear a fucking convention in my head. the voices are getting louder and louder and i feel like ripping whatever little hair i have out of my head. i feel like i wanna just scream, because i feel out of control and i have this awful urge to put my fucking fist through a wall and just go beserk all thru my house.

since i've been experiencing menopause, i find my patience is paper thin, and the slightest little things annoy the fuck out of me. it's like i want to just punch somebody in their throat and watch them die. and i know what it is. it's pent-up anger of which i'm trying to keep under control and the foundation is slipping beneath my fucking feet. these very feeling are what led to my first breakdown. i wasnt suicidal, on the contrary, i wanted to kill, throw shit around and just completely lose my fucking mind.

and that's how i feel right fucking now. i feel like a lid on a pressure cooker that's ready to blow.

i'm just glad i dont own a gun, because i would probably go on a shooting spree. hmm, is this what the PDoc means by "psychotic features?" uh, ya think?

oh god, please let the voices stop. i'm reaching the point of no return and i may have to put myself in the hospital so i dont lose it here with my family.

i feel like i could just take my nails and scratch the skin offa my face, and i still have that overwhelming urge to scream at the top of my lungs. i feel like i wanna just go on a psychotic rampage (if i had a gun) and just shoot muthafuckas who even look at me wrong.

in the words of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five: "dont push me 'cause i'm close to the edge; i'm tryin' not to lose my head..."

feeling worthless

did you ever have a day when you feel like just existing is just too much to bear? that the things said to you from those who love you makes you feel like stir-fried shit? that they make you feel like finding a bottle of pills and ending it all? well that's how i feel right now.

my older daughter went off on me because "she's tired of being the moderator" when things go wrong between me and her sister. she makes me feel really stupid. like anything i say is nothing and then the attack on my illness, like i'm faking or something. yet SHE complains about being "tired all the time" and not getting enough sleep.

we had a bad exchange of words, and she told me that she was tired of always bailing me out and that she wasn't going to do it anymore, and that she'll just let me fall on my ass. it's like it's damned if i do and damned if i dont, and when she comes over here, i really dont what or how to say anything to her because most of the time she's tired and in a shitty mood. yet she goes and gets things like dishes, plasticware, sheets and appliances saying she loves me and in the next breath if i say something in a way she doesnt like, i'll get my head bitten off. like in my last post, my youngest is the same way.

with these two i feel like i have to walk on fucking eggshells, and yet my oldest has had her share of crap happen to her with HER boyfriend -- he cheated on her and had a kid by another woman. in fact he's cheated SEVERAL times on her.

i'm already carrying around the guilt from when she was molested by my last ex-husband. i will carry that burden until the day i die. yes i realize that i should have never let my other daughter's boyfriend move in with me and that it was a stupid thing to do.

i also admit to being very irritable with my grandson when he starts whining and crying like somebody's really hurting him, and i know he's only a baby, but dammit, at times i wanna just SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS simply because i have so much mental shit to deal with and when he's fussy (which he's been since birth), omigod, it's like fingernails going down a blackboard, and though i would NEVER hurt him, i can see how a colicky baby can drive parents out of their mind. my firstborn was a colicky baby, and many, many times i had awful thoughts when my daughter cried. but i NEVER acted on them.

and since it's been like 20 years since a baby was in the house, my nerves are literally shot to hell. and that's when the dark thoughts penetrate my brain and i have to leave out of the house because my ears are fucking ringing and i know i need air.

then when my older daughter comes over on the weekends, at times i feel like an idiot because i dont know what kind of mood she's in and god forbid if i say something wrong. then everything is my fault.

right now, my grandson is in his car seat alternating between cooing and screeching. i gotta go out for a smoke and take my bedtime meds before i totally and completely lose the rest of my goddamned mind.

new blog title

for all my friends who followed my old blog "The Brink Of Insanity - My Journey Thru Mental Illness" i thank you. but i've decided to change the look and name of this blog, simply because I have passed this way before, meaning going down the road of depression and back.

i'm still on that road.

what's LOVE got to do with it?

this blog has a different look because i just feel i was not sticking to the point that talks about my illness. Unfortunately i cannot shut down the old blog because good old Blogger keeps booting me out. FUCK.


There have been some really trying moments since my grandson was born, and most of it had to do with the baby. I finally saw his true colors and from what i saw it aint pretty.

First of all, this sonofabitch no longer resides in my home. why? because he put his hands on my daughter WHILE PREGNANT and afterwards. Yet she still loves him even tho I feel he's a distant cousin of Ike Turner - *in Ike Turner voice*"i'mma hit ya again Anna Mae and i'mma put some stank on it." So i put his ass out.

Recently i had to get a restraining order against this punk because he not only put her in a choke hold, but HE THREATENED MY FAMILY WITH DEATH - AGAIN. Yep. you read right -- this muthafucka threatened death on my entire family -- baby included. So i made a police report and then not long after he spewed his venom, this fucker does it AGAIN. this time i filed a restraining order against his monkey ass, and i have a court date coming up. i just pray his ass dont show so the cops can put a warrant out on him.

the killing part of this whole ordeal? my daughter still loves this fool, and she tells me, "well couples go through that from time to time." Yeah. i found out the hard way with her no-account daddy. She'll be 20 years old on the 25th of August. and yet she loves his dirty draws. *Sigh*

in Tina's words, "what's love got to do wit it?" Hell, even she got tired and got the fuck away from that lunatic. How many times does this sumbitch hafta put his hand on her for her to finally see he aint about shit?


All of this bullshit has been starting up triggers within me and reminding me of the shit i went thru when i was married to her no-account father.

Since then, i've been having HOMICIDAL feelings. It's like if i should see him, i wanna kill, either by gun, knife or have someone else do it. and it's been a LONG time since i have felt that way. The first time he put out his "threat" he called himself coming at me. Before i knew it, i pulled my butcher knife out on his ass and had he came at me, he'dda been a dead muthafucka.

Yet, as i said, my daughter loves him. Sheeeee-iiiiiiit. There aint that much fucking love in the world.

been there, done that. Twice. Never, EVER, EVER again. I try to be supportive to her; both my older daughter (that's another story) try to help ber out by buying stuff for the baby -- bottles, diapers, clothes, etc. i keep the baby at night sometimes so she can get some rest, give him a bath when she's too tired, and also sterilize bottles and wash his blankets and clothes.

And what kind of thanks do i get? Attitude, like she knows all there is about taking care of a baby. Yeah, let the poor baby cry at the top of his lungs while she's asleep, and then snap at him which makes him cry even harder. when that jag-off boyfriend of hers was here, both of them laid there in their bed and the poor kid was screaming blood-curdling screams, that woke me up to go see about him. Then them two would go off on me, talking this shit about "spoiling" him by picking him up when he cries.

Like i said, there aint that much love in the world, and if the shit that she goes thru with him is "love" then, no thank you, i dont want any.

Happy Father's Day

I just want to wish those of you who are dads, stepdads, godfathers, grandfathers, uncles and mothers who play a dual role of mother and father a Happy Father's Day.

I suppose i am kinda sad today because i lost my dad in March, 2005, and i miss him so very much. But I know he's not suffering anymore and is in a better place.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

here's my grandbaby!!

here he is, my sweet pea! he's 4 months old now and i am absolutely crazy about him.

he's learning how to turn over, hold his toes with his hands and coos and chirps happily.

will upload more pics as they come.

aint he a cutie?

a big THANK YOU to Sid and Marie

a big "THANK YOU!" to Sid and Marie in welcoming me back on the blog train. i appreciate your kind words and worry not, i try to take time for myself as much as possible *grins*

i hope you guys are doing well, and that you also take time for yourselves because there is only one YOU.

again, thank you for the warm welcome. i hope to post pics of my grandson real soon.

Hugs to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M BAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

greetings and salivations people. yep the old bag is back. as you all have figured out by now, i'm a new grandma, and i'm happier than a pig in shit.

my grandson was born February 15, 2007, weighing in at 6 lbs 15 oz. today he is four months old and a plump lil bundle of cuteness. he has black curly hair and dimples.

and i am craaaaazy about this sweet baby boy.