"what we have here is a failure to communicate"

i know it's been a while since i last wrote a post to this site, but i have been pretty busy with my new client. She's a very sweet (and crafty LOL) little old lady, but because she is a widow and she has a host of various aches and pains, being diabetic, and having her right great toe amputated, well, my heart goes out to her.

now what do i mean when i say she's "crafty" well, for one thing, her mind's sharp as a razor. if she wants me to do something, first i'll hear the deep sighs and moans that "oh my back hurts so much" or "i miss my husband dearly," and the ever popular "oh Lord, please give me strength." All of those phrases are designed to kinda sorta make me feel guilty, especially when it's time for me to leave. Like yesterday.

when i got to her house, at first i thought nobody was home, and was about to turn around and go my ass home. but the little lady opened the door, and said, "didnt they call you?" and i'm standing there like a doofus saying, "uh, no ma'am, no one called me." then i knew when she was going to get crafty on me.

after much foncusion (yes i know, i misspelled confusion on purpose, ok?) and a failure to communicate, she said, well do you want to stay or go? my first mind was saying "go! make a run for it fool! go! go! GO!" and when i said yeah, i think i'm gonna go on back home, i swear before all that is holy, i never saw her switch from happy to pitiful in a split second. Then that's when the sad face took over, and finally i caved and said, "i'll just go on and finish the day." then the happy face took over the sad face within a millisecond.

i'd just been played by this sweet but crafty elderly lady.

i dont like when people do that to me, but for her i'll let it go. for now.

just dropping in

hi all. just dropping in to say hi. i start work on Monday at a new client's home, and if all goes well, i'll be going there Mondays and Thursdays from 9 am to 1 pm.

the last client --- omigod. i'm not gonna sit here and waste space talking about it. all i know is that place needs to be exorcised or something.

anyhoo, that's all i have to say about that. i hope you all are taking care of yourselves and each other and one day soon i hope to be back online on my own computer at home.

until fingers meet keyboard again, i wish you peace, enlightenment, and love.

bye!

happy birthday babygirl

today is my youngest daughter's birthday. she is 20 years old now. gawd, i feel so old LOL

though she and i have had our ups and downs, arguments and tears, she's still and will always be my big brown eyed sweet baby girl who blessed the world with her presence on August 25, 1987.

i love you sweetheart *kiss*

i got work to do...

well, y'all i got a job doing private duty work. yesterday i completed the 5-day training for a home health aide, and got my certificate, and in the same breath my supervisor told me she had a gig for me. i was like WTF? damn, i had'nt even finished the training, but nontheless i am very happy. luckily it's only ONE patient, and for the most part all i have to do is make sure my patient gets her bath, do light housekeeping, make her breakfast and lunch, and basically keep my patient company.

i had been chanting for about two weeks, because there was so much chaos and confusion in my life and not only that, i wanted to get out of the house. well, i guess it works, because it just amazed me that i would start work so soon. i aint complainin LOL

it'll be nice to have extra money round the house. i have a debit card that i'm just gonna dump my checks into and....i also have a bank account! i'll dump money in it as well.

my hours are from 9 am to 3 pm, 5 days a week, 6 hours a day. that aint bad.

and that's all i have to say about that. so, until fingers meet keyboard, y'all take care.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))) to all!

nam myoho renge kyo

yes it's official folks. i have taken interest in the study of Buddhism (hug to you James - you're my inspiration *smile*)

i've been chanting the above phrase qute regularly now, and i must admit i feel a sense of newfound peace within.

i visited the Soka Gakkai Buddhist center last Sunday (it was hotter than Satan's draws, ok?) and the people there were extremely friendly. i was suppose to go to the new member's meeting that following Tuesday, but unfortunately i wasnt able to make it. but, i kept up my chanting anyway.

there was only one little thing that bothered me -- and that those people i spoke to seemed overly anxious to get me to a centre closer to my neighborhood.

understand, i came of my own free will, and one thing i do not like is to be told where to go and who to go and see. i mean, damn, i had just walked in the place for God's sake!

*ahem - rant over* there was this one elderly lady who was like a "mother hen" with me (another thing i don't like) but she was nice enough to introduce me around, and she bought me the fledgling Buddhist's booklet "The Winning Life." i thanked her for her generosity and when it came time for me to leave, then this guy who was standing at the front door pulled me to the side and told me about the old lady who was "mother hen" with me; that i should find my own chapter of the Sokai Gakkai that's nearest to me. that kinda irritated me a bit, because i went thru that type of shit when i was practicing Islam.

as i told the lady (whose name was Helen), i am a free spirit and i really do not like being boxed into a corner. i made the journey downtown on my own, and i feel that i should go where i want without people always trying to impose their will on me.

anyways, that is that. James if you have any feedback about this, holla atcha girl, ok?

blessings, light and love to all.

been MIA -- sowwy

hello dear readers. sorry i havent posted in a while -- got a case of internettus interruptus again, so i'm at the library using their computer.


a huge THANK YOU to Sid, James and Marie for your ever encouraging words. and i'd like to say a big HELLO to Spicy Bug (aka MrsHellOnHeels). i love the design of your blog, Bug *big grin*

i just wanted to drop you all a line to let you know that i'm okay, and that i dont have those awful thoughts no more, so dont worry.

if it's hot wherever you are, please try to stay indoors with A/C or a fan. and if you have older people living in your neighborhood, please check on them periodically.

that's all for now. bye.

the tracks of my tears

"...people say i'm the life of the party
'cuz i tell a joke or two
altho i might be laughing loud and hearty
deep inside i'm blue...


so take a good look at my face
you'll see my smile is out of place
if you look closer it's easy to trace
the tracks of my tears..."
---Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
Motown Records, 1965.

yep. that about sums me up in a nutshell...with emphasis on nuts.

it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday......

suicide. i have thought about it a lot these days. as much inner pain as i have, i want to end it all, but, at the same time, i'm afraid to die, which probably is why i'm still here. having my kids and my grandbaby is what's saving my life. had i never had children, i would have been dead a long time ago -- probably from an overdose of pills. using a gun/knife/any sharp object where massive blood is spattered, flowing or otherwise grosses me out.

why am i feeling like this? because i feel nobody cares. i have been a failure as a human being, a failure as a daughter, as a mother, and i dont think i'd be missed if i were to take my life.

this overwhelming sadness, no one understands. my eldest daughter gets mad with me when she sees me depressed, and the euphemisms spew from her mouth: "everybody gets depressed, Mama. you need to snap out of it." this coming from my daughter the psychology major.

she'd think i took my life to "get attention" because "everyone gets depressed." i doubt if she'd even bother coming to my funeral (which would be closed casket at my request). she'd probably say, "Mama didnt have to do this. All she needed to do was get out of the house and be around happy people. She did this for attention. Wasnt nothing wrong with her."

*sigh* it's so hard...to say goodbye...to yesterday.....

tears of a clown

i'm sitting at this computer trying very, very hard to not cry. even though i really really want to.

why? i dont know. maybe it's horomonal; maybe it's because i just feel so much pain inside me that i cannot explain.

as a kid, i would find myself crying my eyes out, usually after my mother would go off on me and make me feel unwanted.

as i grew into puberty, i kinda learned to keep my feelings and emotions in check. it worked for a while until i fell in love at age 14. that relationship was cancelled out by my mother, who really didnt want me talking to boys at that age anyways, no thanks to the strict laws of the Temple.

it was 1973, i was a freshman in high school and i fell in love with this fine boy who was diggin' on me at the time too. i wont mention his name, but i will say he was fy-y-y-yiiiinnne. smooth brown skin, coal-black curly hair and a pair of the softest lips on the planet. when he first kissed me, omigod, goosebumps broke out all over my body. i got weak in the knees and could have kissed him forever.

he used to leave love letters in my locker, and one time, he left a heart-shaped rhinestone necklace along with another love letter in my locker. lemme tell ya, i NEVER took that necklace off. i wore it every day, even when the gold plating began to fade.

and with that, suddenly i became popular for oh, 15 minutes. however, as i mentioned before, that love affair was soon to snuffed out.

the day my mother broke us up, was the day i fell apart. i cried every day, while the song "How Could I Let You Get Away" by the Spinners played over and over on my little beat-up record player. i played that song so much, i nearly wore the vinyl off the damn 45. that's just how much i hurt.

after i finally got over him, i learned how to be funny. i'd fire off one-liners which had what few friends i had laughing. but they just didnt know, when i was alone, i would weep.

and to this day, it's the same. i can fire off one-liners, and learned twisted humor which my guy friends understand, but to the regular, humorless nitwit has no clue.

"the tears of a clown.....when there's no one else around....."

right back to where i started from

well, so much for this agency. because i havent worked in two years is why my application was rejected. oh well. i shoulda known. like i said in my previous post, i wasnt gonna hold my breath.


the lady from the agency i spoke with this morning at least did refer me to two other home care agencies. i called one and the lady told me i could come down and fill out an application; the other one i left a voice mail message. whether she gets back to me, again, i aint holding my breath.


*sigh* i will go downtown tomorrow AGAIN in this stifling heat and fill out another application. if i get the same response from these people, then i might as well call it a wrap and just resign myself to the fact that it's just not in the cards for me to go back to work.

yep. i'm right back to where i started from. only to me does this shit happen.

here i go again

yes, here i go again. i'm still drawn to some form of healthcare, and last week i filled out another application for home care/private duty work.

the last time i did was back in June, but it seems like every time i try to attempt to find my way outta this house, something always comes up and sandbags me, and i have to leave it alone.

anyways, i went downtown to this home care agency and filled out the application, but also attaching my resume. the lady who manages the agency said she would call me soon. i aint holding my breath, ok? the pay is crap - $7.60/hr, but i dont care. all i know is i'm tired of being fucking broke in the middle of the month. so i need to get up offa my big fat ass and get busy.

even if i only have one or two clients per week, it's better than nothing, and at least i will have pocket money to take care of whatever bill that sneaks up unexpectedly, or if i just want a pack of squares (the 'hood definition of cigarettes, ok?).

*sighs* like i said, here i go again.....

have a nice fucking day

still in piss-me-off mode. i'm not sure if it's the fucking meds that have me like this, nor do i give a flying fuck. and my fucking computer is acting like a fucking idiot because its low on memory, so every fucking thing i do on this fucker is fucking s-l-o-w. great. just fucking lovely.

i have no cigs and that really adds to my state of pissivity. even tho one of the meds, Wellbutrin XL is suppose to help a person to stop smoking, sheee-iiit. it aint working, a'ight?

once again, i'm gonna try the private duty/home health thing. i know i need to get the fuck up outta this house before i really go off my nut. i dont care if i'm getting peanuts for pay, hell, at least i'll be doing something.

in the meantime, have a nice fucking day.

PMS = Possible Murder Suspect

yeah that is exactly how i feel right now. dont have the patience for bullshit or people who think they know what you need and so on.

it's those kind of fuckers that i really really wanna haul off and just slap the taste outta their mouths for simply being stupid and clueless.

however, i refrain from randomly Ike-Turner-ho-bitch-slappin' muthafuckas just on principle and because they just simply annoy the fuck outta me. when people meet me, they think "oh she seems so nice and kindhearted."

bwaaaahahahahahahaha.....ohhhh, if they only knew how i struggle with doing bodily harm by ripping their tonsils out or gouging their fucking eyeballs out simply because i'm in a fucked-up mood and inflicting extreme pain would nearly render me orgasmic. yeah, i said orgasmic, and?

i'm sure some of y'all who are reading this pile of random shit is thinking, "damn, somebody musta pissed miz e off reeeeeeeeeeal bad" fret not dear reader. i'm just in a pissy, funky, wanna give somebody a beatdown, do not fuck with me mood, ai'ght?

and they say still water runs deep.....well they aint met me yet...

one is the loneliest number that u ever knew......

i just came from my boy James' blog and took the life's number test. just like i figured, i'm a one.

ones tend to be loners, have issues with self-esteem, never feeling or being good enough for anyone, is very critical of self and others, and are good at multitasking (WTF?).


a loner? yep. issues with self-esteem? yep. never feeling or being good enough for people? oh yeah. definitely.

quite frankly, i thought my life's number would be a big, fat zero, because that's how i feel about myself.

*sighs* "one is the loneliest number that you ever knew....." yep, that's me.

summertime and the livin aint easy...GRRRRRR

summertime. I.HATE.IT. especially on days like today. my living room A/C is barely squeaking out cold air, and everybody in the house is cranky and irritable.

i went to see my PDoc this past Friday and broke down and cried about how i feel so overwhelmed at times when i keep my grandbaby. he told me the same thing i already knew -- i need to pull away sometimes and have some time to myself. yet i feel so guilty when i do. maybe the maternal instinct i have is so strong, i feel like i'm abandoning my grandbaby when i know that's not true.

thank you to Sid for pointing out to me that it seems my daughter and b/f have their priorities in the wrong order. i feel the same way, but somebody's gotta look out for the baby. and i realize i go above and beyond the call of duty with him. it's almost like he's my son at times. but i know it's not true.

i digress. my doc told me i should get out of the house at least two times a week, so that i can keep some balance in my life and not get overwhelmed. so i think i will go to the library and either go online or find a book to read, even if i stay there until they close. i used to do that on a regular basis way before i even became a grandma, because of my love of books.

dont have much money for buying anything, so i also will go downtown (now that the "Taste of Chicago" will be gone after today) and just people watch.

great. got a mosquito bite under the right side of my chin. summertime and the livin aint easy.
at least not for me. i wish it could just fast-forward to October when the fall season starts *sigh*.
fuck summer. gimme fall or winter anyday.

aint no rest for the weary

*yawning* it's 7:17 am here in the Windy City and here i am up writing again on this blog.

i kept my grandson overnight again because my youngest daughter decided she wanted to bob-be-cue yesterday, so her and her boyfiend, er, boyfriend got the grill going. i knew that they werent gonna pay attention to Lil'Man (the baby), so once again, i took him with me. no rest for the weary, eh? as i often tell my daughter, "welcome to motherhood."

i dont know what time they finished, nor did i care. i took the baby, bathed him, rubbed him down with some of his baby lotion and i rubbed some of the baby vapor rub on him, gave him his meds, dressed him and got him ready for bed. of course he raised ninety types of hell, but as tired as i already was, i wasnt having it, okay? lights out, TV off, and i swaddled him (and he put up a hellafied fight) tight with one of his blankets, fed him and before too long he was asleep. then i gathered diapers, wipes, and an extra bottle, took my own meds and then i was out for the count.

i'm sure y'all are wondering, 'why doesnt your daughter take care of her own child? why do you always seem to have the little guy?' well, for one, i am his grandma, and tho i am quite tired at times, especially when he's fussy like he is now, i guess, well, it's just the mothering instinct.

plus i remember when i was a new mother, and how tired i was all the time. with my firstborn, she was a handful too, and my mother helped me thru those difficult moments.

so yeah, aint no rest for the weary, but i love that baby with everything in me, and i dont ever want him to feel unloved. yes, he is a little pistola, and yes, i wanna tear out what little hair i have on my head when he's cranky, but i love him just the same.

too wired to go back to sleep, i washed the dishes, washed and sterilized baby bottles and in a minute or two i'm gonna mop this kitchen floor. i have a headache from all the noise last night, and from lack of real time sleep. shit, i feel the way i did when i used to work the graveyard shift; bleary-eyed, a little punchy and looking like stir fried shit this morning. oh well.

fucking 4th of July

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE SUMMERTIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE THE FUCKING FOURTH OF FUCKING JULY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

since i cant scream at the top of my fucking lungs because muthafuckas in my neighborhood wanna set off fucking firecrackers all fucking night i figure this is my only safe spot where i can let loose and not fucking kill somebody.

i can feel my heart pounding, and murderous thoughts are running through my mind as i sit here and type this shit out. i just wish i could run the fuck away, just hop on a fast train or bus and get the fuck away from here.

destination? anywhere...east or west i dont care....i just wanna get the goddamn hell away from here!

these fools in the 'hood where i live start off early setting off them goddamned firecrackers and M-40's. it sound like a fucking war zone with all that shit going off. they do this shit on Memorial Day, July 4, Labor Day and of course, the granddaddy of em all, NEW FUCKING YEARS EVE.

either my patience level is paper thin, or i'm just getting old and intolerant of a lotta shit. and fucking menopause aint helpin things one goddamned bit. my grandson, God love him, is also a cranky lil shit because he's teething, he has a slight cold and an ear infection, and when he starts screaming, OMIFUCKINGOD, i wanna scream right along with him. i know, i know he's just a baby and he cant help it, bla bla bla, but damn, it's been fucking 20 years since i had a baby in the house. *takes deep breath*

dont misunderstand, i love my grandson. I.LOVE.HIM. but all of the stuff that's going on with him only takes me back down memory lane when i was a new mother and was slowly losing my mind with my firstborn --- who was also a colicky baby. however i think i have spoiled my daughter. i damn near do everything for him -- wash and sterilize his bottles, wash his clothes, feed him, burp him, wipe the shit off his little rump, and sometimes i keep him at night. like now.

and the sound of these goddamned firecrackers aint helpin matters none. i can only hope that these idiots will stop the madness before the fucking sun comes up.

god, i wish i had a drink.....

taking a stroll thru my mind

before i begin, i wanna say a big "Thank You" to Marie for the positive feedback she's given me. i consider her one of my good friends and i also love her blog. oh and BTW, the song "This Woman's Work" was also recorded by Maxwell also and each time i hear either version i break down and cry.

alrighty then. the title of this post is from a song by The Temptations called "Take A Stroll Thru Your Mind" which is making me see things in a whole different level. i guess i'm done with my "bitch and whine" show, and have calmed down a tad.

i'm trying to compartmentalize (with emphasis on the word mental) all this random shit that's been running amuck within my brain without much luck. maybe it's the nature of my astral sign, Capricorn, that makes me tend to brood over shit that aint even that serious for what seems like days.

i wish i could be like other people who just let their troubles, problems and woes roll off their backs like water on a duck, but i cant. well, maybe not can't but maybe i dont know how. it's like i'm scared to be happy, because i know the happiness will be short-lived or cancelled out by something bad, which will take my being into a state of deep depression.

thinking back, i guess i've always been a moody person, and also a loner. never mixed in well with my classmates and always got teased about damn near everything, from my dour look, for not smiling, and even being plump instead of shapely (altho the types of uniforms we wore did not reveal any kind of shape on us at all, so WTF?) but i digress.

i felt like Stockard Channing's character in her movie "The Girl Most Likely To..." i saw all of her in me, except for the almost-unibrow. i was kinda-sorta smart in school, but as i reached my early-to-mid teens, the awkwardness really came out. my mother was so strict and fanatical about the muslim religion and kept on me about the do's and dont's. i was shy around boys, and the few (and i do mean few) didn't know i was alive, or either thought they could run games on me. i had no self-esteem, and as i said before, i usually preferred being by myself.

i had a few female friends, but after we graduated, we all went our separate ways. some of us kept in touch; some didnt. i really didnt care one way or the other. that's just the way it was.

i'm not going to continue this stroll thru my mind because that's when it gets really painful and ugly. sorry, but that part of me has been sealed off.

the Temps had it right tho..."take a stroll thru your mind....you'll be surprised at what you might find..."

this woman's work

got up early today to go to one of the food pantries in my neighborhood because the cupboards are down to next to nothing, and the first of next month seems so far away. so i got up, washed up, brushed my teeth and put on the lightest and coolest dress i could find and made my way to the church.

as usual, my younger daughter is got her ass on her shoulders and acts like she dont want to be bothered with her son less alone her mama. fine with me. the less we say to each other the better. like i said yesterday when i had that weeping spell, and how hurt deep down inside i was, she dont show no appreciation when it comes to me (the fool) giving her a hand with tending to my grandson. yes, even grandma gets tired and cranky too, but nonetheless i still love that baby and will do whatever i can for him.

being a mother can have its trying moments, but as she will come to understand (soon i hope) this woman's work is hard. my mother (God rest her soul) was there for me with my firstborn thru thick and thin, and stepped in when i was so tired i couldnt stand up. but i appreciated the things my mama did for me, and boy did i appreciate when she'd tell me to go get some fresh air and take a break. i would be nearly flying out of the door. and it felt good to get away for awhile.

yes this woman's work is hard, and sometimes brings with it tears and frustrations, sleepless nights and dragging days, and moments when you wanna scream and pull out all your hair. these things i have tried to tell her, but it's like talking to a brick wall. and she still loves that punk ass who choked her. it's like this fool has her under a spell or some shit. i dont understand these young wimmin these days -- just to have a man, they'll let the fuckers beat on 'em, whore around on 'em, even give 'em diseases that have no cure, and they love the dirty draws these fools wear.

and this fucker hasnt done a damn thing for his son. me, my older daughter, and his mama (she's a wishy-washy heffa too) have gone out of our way to make sure that little guy has what he needs. yet he wants to poke his chest out and brag, "yeah, that's my son!"

UH-HUH. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR HIM LATELY????

this woman's work is never done. maybe one day she'll realize that.

the tracks of my tears

well the tears finally came. in hard, heavy, painful bursts while i was sitting outside on my balcony. i cried. cried til my soul was being wrenched out of me. i cried. i shouted aloud "what do y'all (meaning my family) want from me? to never show emotion, to always be the fucking strong one all the damn time? oh, and if i start crying like this, my older daughter who is a psychology major will say i'm doing it for fucking attention. and why the fuck not?

its like nobody really gives a fuck about how I feel. the things that i do to try to help my other daughter, i dont get a "thank you Mama" or even "here stupid bitch, kiss my ass." nothing.

perhaps maybe i'm the stupid one for trying to be there for her. i go with her to the WIC office to get her WIC coupons and formula for the baby. i wash the baby's clothes, sterilize his bottles AND even make the bottles up with the formula. and, sometimes when she's too tired, i'll keep the baby all night so she can sleep. but what good does it do?

i'm here with this day in and day out, and goddamnit i think i deserve some ME time. i do those things for her out of love for her and my grandson. but, like i said, not a "thank you" or nothing.

like i said, it's like what i do dont mean shit. and i can only blame myself for being taken advantage of.

perhaps i deserve it. i deserve being made to feel like a piece of shit on somebody's shoe. my stupid ass has the nerve to whine about this when i could be like some of these other grandmas who only do enough for their grandkids, and then send them home.

unfortunately, i AM home and aside from doctor appointments, i have no where to go. i'm here EVERY SINGLE DAY with this. yet, my daughter hasnt shed nary a tear or showed any signs of postpartum depression. BUT I HAVE. tell me what's wrong with this picture?

oh well. all i can do is cry.

please excuse me while i lose my mind

once again, i feel this uncontrollable rage building up inside me. i wanna just SCREAM at the top of my lungs.

and yet, at the same time, i wanna just break down and cry. cry like my fucking soul is being ripped outta my chest. i got SO much shit on my mind i cant even think straight. and not to mention REALLY having an intense hatred for summertime. I HATE IT.

i have so many thoughts running amuck in my head and i feel confused by it all. maybe it's the transition of meds; my PDoc took me off Zoloft and put me on Wellbutrin XL. i've been on it a little over a month now and i dont feel shit. if anything, i feel more confused than ever.

also i think the Klonopin i've been taking since 2003 has stopped working for me too. been on Seroquel since 2004, but it still works fairly well when it comes to sleep. it and Trazadone.

oh yeah, Wellbutrin is also supposed to help people quit smoking. yeah. right.


my grandbaby is cranky and irritiable because he's got a slight cold, and he hasnt pooped. been trying to help him calm down, but i know he senses that i'm irritable too, and that only leads to more irritability. he's 4 months old now, and i pray dont none of y'all call the fucking police on me, but the kid is working my nerves. his mama works my damn nerves too with her wishy-washy ways. sometimes i wanna just bitch-slap her little ass, because at times she acts disinterested in her son. i feel like this -- if you didnt want the responsibility, ya shoulda used a condom.

*deep irritable sigh* lemme go see what's troubling the little guy. bye.

angry tears

i just finished crying angry tears. i felt like i was gonna explode if i didnt get them out. i feel somewhat better, but the anger is still lurking and if i cry again, i might wind up in the hospital because i want to seriously hurt somebody.


my grandson's crying and whining isnt helping any at all. mind you i love him with all my heart, but his blood-curdling crying literally sends me over the edge, and dark thoughts start to follow. and i hate those feelings. i shouldnt feel this way, because he's only a baby, and he cant help it.
he's been a colicky kid since he came into the world. and i am ashamed of how i feel about it.


when his mama aint got her ass sitting on her shoulders, the tension in here is so thick i really feel like i'm gonna lose it. like i said earlier, my patience is not like it used to be, and when he starts yowling, i wanna implode my head into the fucking wall.


God help me.

close to the edge

i dont know what i'm feeling but right now it's like i hear a fucking convention in my head. the voices are getting louder and louder and i feel like ripping whatever little hair i have out of my head. i feel like i wanna just scream, because i feel out of control and i have this awful urge to put my fucking fist through a wall and just go beserk all thru my house.

since i've been experiencing menopause, i find my patience is paper thin, and the slightest little things annoy the fuck out of me. it's like i want to just punch somebody in their throat and watch them die. and i know what it is. it's pent-up anger of which i'm trying to keep under control and the foundation is slipping beneath my fucking feet. these very feeling are what led to my first breakdown. i wasnt suicidal, on the contrary, i wanted to kill, throw shit around and just completely lose my fucking mind.

and that's how i feel right fucking now. i feel like a lid on a pressure cooker that's ready to blow.

i'm just glad i dont own a gun, because i would probably go on a shooting spree. hmm, is this what the PDoc means by "psychotic features?" uh, ya think?

oh god, please let the voices stop. i'm reaching the point of no return and i may have to put myself in the hospital so i dont lose it here with my family.

i feel like i could just take my nails and scratch the skin offa my face, and i still have that overwhelming urge to scream at the top of my lungs. i feel like i wanna just go on a psychotic rampage (if i had a gun) and just shoot muthafuckas who even look at me wrong.

in the words of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five: "dont push me 'cause i'm close to the edge; i'm tryin' not to lose my head..."

feeling worthless

did you ever have a day when you feel like just existing is just too much to bear? that the things said to you from those who love you makes you feel like stir-fried shit? that they make you feel like finding a bottle of pills and ending it all? well that's how i feel right now.

my older daughter went off on me because "she's tired of being the moderator" when things go wrong between me and her sister. she makes me feel really stupid. like anything i say is nothing and then the attack on my illness, like i'm faking or something. yet SHE complains about being "tired all the time" and not getting enough sleep.

we had a bad exchange of words, and she told me that she was tired of always bailing me out and that she wasn't going to do it anymore, and that she'll just let me fall on my ass. it's like it's damned if i do and damned if i dont, and when she comes over here, i really dont what or how to say anything to her because most of the time she's tired and in a shitty mood. yet she goes and gets things like dishes, plasticware, sheets and appliances saying she loves me and in the next breath if i say something in a way she doesnt like, i'll get my head bitten off. like in my last post, my youngest is the same way.

with these two i feel like i have to walk on fucking eggshells, and yet my oldest has had her share of crap happen to her with HER boyfriend -- he cheated on her and had a kid by another woman. in fact he's cheated SEVERAL times on her.

i'm already carrying around the guilt from when she was molested by my last ex-husband. i will carry that burden until the day i die. yes i realize that i should have never let my other daughter's boyfriend move in with me and that it was a stupid thing to do.

i also admit to being very irritable with my grandson when he starts whining and crying like somebody's really hurting him, and i know he's only a baby, but dammit, at times i wanna just SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS simply because i have so much mental shit to deal with and when he's fussy (which he's been since birth), omigod, it's like fingernails going down a blackboard, and though i would NEVER hurt him, i can see how a colicky baby can drive parents out of their mind. my firstborn was a colicky baby, and many, many times i had awful thoughts when my daughter cried. but i NEVER acted on them.

and since it's been like 20 years since a baby was in the house, my nerves are literally shot to hell. and that's when the dark thoughts penetrate my brain and i have to leave out of the house because my ears are fucking ringing and i know i need air.

then when my older daughter comes over on the weekends, at times i feel like an idiot because i dont know what kind of mood she's in and god forbid if i say something wrong. then everything is my fault.

right now, my grandson is in his car seat alternating between cooing and screeching. i gotta go out for a smoke and take my bedtime meds before i totally and completely lose the rest of my goddamned mind.

new blog title

for all my friends who followed my old blog "The Brink Of Insanity - My Journey Thru Mental Illness" i thank you. but i've decided to change the look and name of this blog, simply because I have passed this way before, meaning going down the road of depression and back.

i'm still on that road.

what's LOVE got to do with it?

this blog has a different look because i just feel i was not sticking to the point that talks about my illness. Unfortunately i cannot shut down the old blog because good old Blogger keeps booting me out. FUCK.


There have been some really trying moments since my grandson was born, and most of it had to do with the baby. I finally saw his true colors and from what i saw it aint pretty.

First of all, this sonofabitch no longer resides in my home. why? because he put his hands on my daughter WHILE PREGNANT and afterwards. Yet she still loves him even tho I feel he's a distant cousin of Ike Turner - *in Ike Turner voice*"i'mma hit ya again Anna Mae and i'mma put some stank on it." So i put his ass out.

Recently i had to get a restraining order against this punk because he not only put her in a choke hold, but HE THREATENED MY FAMILY WITH DEATH - AGAIN. Yep. you read right -- this muthafucka threatened death on my entire family -- baby included. So i made a police report and then not long after he spewed his venom, this fucker does it AGAIN. this time i filed a restraining order against his monkey ass, and i have a court date coming up. i just pray his ass dont show so the cops can put a warrant out on him.

the killing part of this whole ordeal? my daughter still loves this fool, and she tells me, "well couples go through that from time to time." Yeah. i found out the hard way with her no-account daddy. She'll be 20 years old on the 25th of August. and yet she loves his dirty draws. *Sigh*

in Tina's words, "what's love got to do wit it?" Hell, even she got tired and got the fuck away from that lunatic. How many times does this sumbitch hafta put his hand on her for her to finally see he aint about shit?


All of this bullshit has been starting up triggers within me and reminding me of the shit i went thru when i was married to her no-account father.

Since then, i've been having HOMICIDAL feelings. It's like if i should see him, i wanna kill, either by gun, knife or have someone else do it. and it's been a LONG time since i have felt that way. The first time he put out his "threat" he called himself coming at me. Before i knew it, i pulled my butcher knife out on his ass and had he came at me, he'dda been a dead muthafucka.

Yet, as i said, my daughter loves him. Sheeeee-iiiiiiit. There aint that much fucking love in the world.

been there, done that. Twice. Never, EVER, EVER again. I try to be supportive to her; both my older daughter (that's another story) try to help ber out by buying stuff for the baby -- bottles, diapers, clothes, etc. i keep the baby at night sometimes so she can get some rest, give him a bath when she's too tired, and also sterilize bottles and wash his blankets and clothes.

And what kind of thanks do i get? Attitude, like she knows all there is about taking care of a baby. Yeah, let the poor baby cry at the top of his lungs while she's asleep, and then snap at him which makes him cry even harder. when that jag-off boyfriend of hers was here, both of them laid there in their bed and the poor kid was screaming blood-curdling screams, that woke me up to go see about him. Then them two would go off on me, talking this shit about "spoiling" him by picking him up when he cries.

Like i said, there aint that much love in the world, and if the shit that she goes thru with him is "love" then, no thank you, i dont want any.

Happy Father's Day

I just want to wish those of you who are dads, stepdads, godfathers, grandfathers, uncles and mothers who play a dual role of mother and father a Happy Father's Day.

I suppose i am kinda sad today because i lost my dad in March, 2005, and i miss him so very much. But I know he's not suffering anymore and is in a better place.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

here's my grandbaby!!

here he is, my sweet pea! he's 4 months old now and i am absolutely crazy about him.

he's learning how to turn over, hold his toes with his hands and coos and chirps happily.

will upload more pics as they come.

aint he a cutie?

a big THANK YOU to Sid and Marie

a big "THANK YOU!" to Sid and Marie in welcoming me back on the blog train. i appreciate your kind words and worry not, i try to take time for myself as much as possible *grins*

i hope you guys are doing well, and that you also take time for yourselves because there is only one YOU.

again, thank you for the warm welcome. i hope to post pics of my grandson real soon.

Hugs to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M BAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

greetings and salivations people. yep the old bag is back. as you all have figured out by now, i'm a new grandma, and i'm happier than a pig in shit.

my grandson was born February 15, 2007, weighing in at 6 lbs 15 oz. today he is four months old and a plump lil bundle of cuteness. he has black curly hair and dimples.

and i am craaaaazy about this sweet baby boy.